Our 400 Gallon In Wall Natural Sun-Lit Reef

Reef13

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I am so sorry for your loss, may she be at peace now.. I think she would want you to keep up the tank, being that she let you knock down a wall for the incredible ingenious build! Keep your head up, yor Angel is watching over you and the tank!
 

Lowstorm

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This tank, thread and years of growth, loss, and life is a beautiful testament to the love you two had and, honestly still have. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

scardall

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A couple of days ago an incident happened, and it had nothing to do with Kelly’s dying yet it brought about such great sadness that I lost it for a little while. The pain, the loss, the sorrow, etched so deeply on my broken heart, it has become part of this life I now live. The grief is an added extension that stays without invitation. It's hard, so very hard to accept that it will always be there, hiding at times, waiting to jump out and take my breath away without a moment’s notice. It used to be a startled surprise, now it is expected. I never know when or what will set it off.

Sometimes, the event is not even related to my actual grief. The rawness of the pain was like it was new all over again. I know there will be times like that, when they happen they swamp me so completely that I lose all the progress I have made toward learning to live with my grief. I lose all my baby steps, stumbling strides, and acceptance. Everything crashes for a time. During this time of darkness, I despair. I feel I have fooled myself into believing I am making progress. That it is all an illusion, wishful thinking. I haven't fooled myself, I am being human. Each time I fall, I get up a little quicker, and become a little stronger.

Kelly has been gone twenty-one months, not years but months. She was here a second ago, how can so much time have passed? There will forever be days or moments when the sorrow over-rides everything else. They don't last as long or come as often, but they will be part of me until I die. To say I miss her is an understatement. I can only use words that don't come close to what I feel every day. I use words that have a watered down meaning to what grief really is. So much changed and so much has remained the same, it becomes confusing at times. I look at her picture and accept that she is lost to me for now and then look at it later and stare in disbelief that she is gone. The war my emotions inflict on me is constant and unrelenting. The time of complete darkness without end has passed, but still I live in grayness, the darkness returning at its own whim. Colors return and become shockingly brilliant after so much dimness.

Grief narrows our life down to simplicity. What was once important is no longer a priority. Nature, natural things, are more desirable than what I once wanted in my life. It is a sadness that it takes death, the depth of death, to change my way of seeing the world. My family and friends have thinned out. Some by my choice, others by theirs and I find that it does not bother me now. At first, it was painful, later I saw the necessity. Life becomes simpler because of this weeding out process. A process I did not ask for nor want, but have no choice but to accept and forget it. It is not worth the pain, I’ve had enough of that already.

I have heard people say it would seem to them that you would hold those you love closer after losing one you love so much. That is not how it works. We sometimes distant ourselves from that love out of fear of more pain. Only after time has passed do you start to hold others close again. Grief opens your eyes to who you want to be around and whom you don't. It is true that no matter how much you loved someone before grief, you may not love after loss. Part of that is because of how they treat you during your darkest days, it cements your feelings toward them. Part of it is the change. You cannot force yourself to love if the love is not there. I need to stop beating myself up over something I have no control over. It is a tortured, winding road that I travel as I learn to live life all over again. If I carry guilt over every little thing whether it is in my control or not, I impede my ability to grow within my grief.

I still don't sleep much or eat right. It has become a learning process. I have to force myself to do many things that came naturally before. I have to learn to want to live and enjoy my life again even as I live with my sorrow. I have to stop the world from telling me where I should be on this road. It is an empty, featureless road without signs to tell me where the next emotion is, what the next step is. Or if there are ones who will cause me emotional harm, I need to learn to step away without guilt. Sometimes, there is just too much going on and it becomes overwhelming. This is when I step back into total darkness for a little while if only to get away from the demands of an uncaring world. I cannot stay there, I need to reach for my own light and find my joy. With love, from a forever husband.



A stranger who partially understands some of your pain. I lost my Dad, months after I was layed off a job that I had for 13.5 years and survived a Hospital stay, next year I lost a pet after 9 years having him, Then next year a friend of mine dies of Cancer in January. Started 9/13-present and I'm still haven't found work. As long as you have Family and or friends who support You can make it through this. Changing location etc. will not make it hurts less. At least for me it didn't. You are right the World outside friends and Family couldn't care less. I know this personally. One Day you will re balance. I believe in you making it out of the tunnel eventually as I have to as well. My condolences and You Will Make It. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:cool::cool::cool::cool:
 

Judy@SYA

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I clicked this thread open for the first time this evening, expecting nothing more than a simple (spectacular) build-story. Instead, I found myself on a remarkable journey filled with beauty, hope, love, heart-ripping grief, and healing. I wish I could express how inspiring you have been with the rawness of your sharing. You are a beautiful person.
 

marissas47

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Thank you for sharing your story and feelings publicly, this thread will stick with me for a long time. After reading through your posts I was brought to tears. To see you smiling in your last update was great. You are an incredibly strong person, and truly an inspiration. I'm so glad that you are able to smile again
 

Devisissy

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I am so sorry for your loss. My mother is also battling cancer and every day with her is a blessing.

Your tank is a piece of art. Thank you for sharing. You are in my thoughts.
 

ddiver

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I'm sitting here 5 in the morning reading through your thread with tears in my eyes! you are one tough cookie brother! Keep your head up! You're not alone!
 

aquaman33431

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jdpiii3, I want to apologize for my last post. I didnt realize this was a post with such history and hadnt read all the events up to this point. I sincerely apologize for my insensitivity. I too am grieving -I lost my mother, this past Christmas day- and realizing my error this morning really shook me with horror and soulful regret.
My deepest condolences o you and your family and again please accept my sincere heartfelt apology
 

dewboy1127

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Awesome tank ...just read this thread and my family heart goes out to you hang in there you are doing great
 

caad3

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You are truly inspirational. When all us deal with the bs stresses of everyday life, your story puts things in perspective. Thank you for sharing your incredible journey, and giving us a glimpse of how special Kelly was.
 

revhtree

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jdpiii3, I want to apologize for my last post. I didnt realize this was a post with such history and hadnt read all the events up to this point. I sincerely apologize for my insensitivity. I too am grieving -I lost my mother, this past Christmas day- and realizing my error this morning really shook me with horror and soulful regret.
My deepest condolences o you and your family and again please accept my sincere heartfelt apology

No need to apologize. It was a simple mistake.
 

Aussie paul

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Mate just read the whole post and can't even imagine what your going through all I can say is hang in there and never give up. Your tank is amazing I've always wanted to do a natural lighting tank I always think about the always changing light conditions in nature and how nothing is perfect every day. To mimic that in a tank and make a more natural environment for the inhabitants would be great. Keep your chin up and keep posting the updates on this beautiful tank champion
 

aaron23

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Can't say how much I enjoyed reading through the progress and build of the tank. You already know you're strong as hell and you're the man. Hope all is going well and your life is getting just a little lighter :)
 

Abraham

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Joe, i have no words to this thread your tank your history, really im so sorry about your loss. i think you aré The kind of human that hole world needs.

Your tank its amazing keep updating this thread and never stop.

A big and warm huge from Mexico

Reggards
 

frogman_reefer

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I can't say I understand... I can't say I know what you're going through, I can however offer my prayers and hopes of comfort. The tank is gorgeous, but I realize that takes a back seat in times like this. Please know that the reefing community here stands beside you and that many of us will be continuing to send prayers your way.

If there is anything you require in specific prayer, please, please let us know! My family would like to know what your wife's favorite coral was. We would like to honor her memory by adding one to my system (if compatible).

This would be our way of rememberance and to celebrate her life.

God bless

The Nichols Family
 

Soldiers4christ50

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I am new to this group and read through this entire thread. Your life story is very touching and your tank is absolutely amazing!!! My prayers are with you brother.
 
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jdpiii3

jdpiii3

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I’m a Widower - Year Three. Yes, I am a survivor. But I am continuing to learn that it is not enough simply to survive the storms. It is in surrender that true peace and healing are found. I chose to bow my head, intentionally and obediently surrendering my anger and confusion, my need to find answers, the arrogance of my un-forgiveness against the Maker of this universe who holds all our lives in His hands including my own.

What I have learned since being a widower. I've learned in the last three years there is only one thing important and that is "family". When you are alone 24/7, you realize that nothing in life can be more precious. I find myself in a situation that I thought I'd never be in. I never thought that at my age I would be completely alone. Maybe years down the road but not now. Well, I was oh so wrong. God has different plans even though I have no idea what they are. Not even now. On June 2nd, my wife Kelly will be gone three years.

When Kelly, died, I felt like the lights were turned off in my world. Everything suddenly went black. My vision narrowed with only a teeny central part of normal color but most of the rest was just black. Just Darkness.

Through this terrible journey I've also learned that most likely I'm on my own. How did I get here? In a state and town now alone with no one. I really don't understand it. I guess it isn't for me to understand. People have lives. It isn't their job to be here for me. Where did my life go? I'm still angry that everything was taken away. Yes, still very angry. I go back and forth trying to move on and then getting stuck in the same place yet all over again. Then feeling guilt because I should be able to move on.

Great love equals great grief. As for me, I’ll never get over my love for my wife. I’ll never get over her death. Her love for me remains strong in my heart and soul. Our love for each other fuels the energy that drives me into living each day the best way I can.

In the years since Kelly’s passing, I’ve never found the answers I demanded. But in surrendering to the heavenly Father who’d been with me through every storm and who had not, after all, abandoned me in this one, I’ve come to know such peace. I’ve experienced so much joy and love. I do not need to understand. I just have to trust that God is love and that His love is the overarching factor that governs all events on this planet and every day of my life. Someday I will understand.

Above all, the constant assurances that I was being prayed for, the knowledge that so many cared so deeply, even those who did not know me personally, became a great source of peace in the midst of my grief. I truly felt like the most prayed-for person on the face of the earth.

If anyone wonders whether prayer is an effective use of time, I can testify that it is. Prayer is where the power is. At times my sorrow was beyond words. But the awareness of that power lifting me up enabled me to move through the motions into each new day instead of freezing and turning inward to self-pity.

So now I find myself rounding a new bend in my life’s journey. What is around that bend? I do not know. But that I find myself looking forward to all the twists and turns the road ahead may have to offer is evidence of the healing God has wrought in my heart and soul and mind over these last three years.

I realized, at about the one year anniversary date, that I will never again be that same person who lived and loved before she passed. I’m a new person now. A different me who is still an exciting, vibrant prospect. Each day is a pretty interesting voyage of discovery as I find out who I am in the concept of widower-hood. I’m comfortable in the skin of new me. Right here. Right now.

Why did a loving God not reach down to heal Kelly? I will not understand until one day I am blessed to glimpse the final woven tapestry of God’s purpose and plan for the human race He created. But here is what I do know, what I have come to understand. In my darkest night, I found the light of God’s presence still with me. When a tsunami wave swept my life from its foundation, I discovered under my feet the solid rock of a faithful heavenly Father from whose loving hands no storm winds can tear me. When I made the choice to surrender pain, bitterness, anger, and un-forgiveness. I gained in their place a joy and love and peace beyond all human understanding.

Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something I can cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, I wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one I lost, and feel no shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.

Forever a Husband
 
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