Spouse Doesn't Get It?

[Dub_G]

My wife was hesitant about me starting a SW tank after I had a FW tank several years ago that I sometimes may have neglected the necessary cleaning, etc. Eventually she said that I had to take the FW tank down. So when I was ready to start a SW tank she was worried that I would get bored with the tank and it would end up as an algae infested eyesore. So after starting with a 38 gallon bow front tank in the living room she decided that we needed a tank in the bedroom. So we have a 28 gallon biocube in there. We have spent some great time doing day trips to find the next coral at some of the local and not-so local fish stores around Denver. We have actually had a few discussions about what tank the latest coral find is supposed to go in. I have to keep up with all of the tank maintenance, but as long as I'm working on that it gets me out of other housework.

 

[Janci]

I forward this to my wife... we both have problems...

 

[spspirate]

What a great article!!!

 

[srpsycho11]

Great article. All of your suggestions were spot on with what I did.

 

[mikee002]

Great article. I'm just getting started in the hobby and the girlfriend already doesn't get it and is always on my case about the amount of time that I spend on the tank... And it's not even a lot when she's around. I try to keep the peace by doing everything when she's not home. Lol.

 

[Scott.h]

I think it's a lot easier to be a female in the hobby and to get the guy involved then the other way around. I'm not sure why it is, but it's a predominately male hobby. Maybe it's the interest in chemistry, or the challenge of keeping things alive that shouldn't be kept naturally in glass boxes. It's kind of that way for me. It gives me something to OCD about instead of staring at a tv. But to a point, men generally don't care what women do as long as it doesn't effect them or they aren't getting hassled. I just feel women have it easier in the hobby then men.

Personally I've tried getting her involved, talking about it, telling her why I enjoy it, taking her along to the fish store, etc. She just couldn't care less. There have been a few fights on the topic for sure. She knows when I stand my ground, fight or not, I'll get what I want. But I don't stand my ground on too many things. Fortunately for us in our relationship money has never been an issue. But that doesn't mean I haven't spent too much at times, or have always been right. I've learned to space purchases out and she's learned to tolerate it better. And yes, many of things have entered the house through the basement window instead of the front door. It's easier that way!

 

[melypr1985]

Personally I've tried getting her involved, talking about it, telling her why I enjoy it, taking her along to the fish store, etc. She just couldn't care less. There have been a few fights on the topic for sure. She knows when I stand my ground, fight or not, I'll get what I want. But I don't stand my ground on too many things. Fortunately for us in our relationship money has never been an issue. But that doesn't mean I haven't spent too much at times, or have always been right. I've learned to space purchases out and she's learned to tolerate it better. And yes, many of things have entered the house through the basement window instead of the front door. It's easier that way!

As long as the two of you can find a middle ground that keeps things happy, then you are doing just fine.

 

[dieselkeeper]

I have a wife that totally supports my reef addiction. She knows I could have a fishing or hunting addiction instead. I could go fishing every weekend. Gone all day. Money spent on boat and fishing gear. Or spend money on a hunting lease with guns and gear. Be gone in the woods for days at a time. I don't hunt or fish. So I spend my money on a fish tank. My wife sees me every day, granted my hands may be wet with saltwater all the time. I'm sure she would rather me spend time with her instead. Different strokes for different folks. Life is too short to do nothing. I can see where this hobby may cause problems in relationships if money is tight. It can be expensive. But you can do it with second hand equipment and cheap frags from a local reef club. That is how I got started. Happy reefing everyone.

 

[Finatik]

I absolutely love your fish room ! I soooo wish I could have a dedicated room like that for all of my stuff.

A little off topic, but I was wondering... is that a custom sump you have back in the corner on the left ? If so, what brand, and what components do you have on it ? I'm in the process of planning out a new Sump.

 

[melypr1985]

I absolutely love your fish room ! I soooo wish I could have a dedicated room like that for all of my stuff.

A little off topic, but I was wondering... is that a custom sump you have back in the corner on the left ? If so, what brand, and what components do you have on it ? I'm in the process of planning out a new Sump.

Who was this directed at?

 

[Finatik]

Who was this directed at?

There is a picture of a fish room in the article under the "Time Spent" section. I assumed it was your fish room, so I was asking you about the sump I saw in the photo. Sorry.

 

[KDawg0623]

Instead of horse shoes they play corn hole here are the boards. Four bags full of corn it's a big thing here

Awesome photo! O-H

Plus my wife has to do research on things that I try to purchase, so she knows that I need it for the tank..

 

[melypr1985]

There is a picture of a fish room in the article under the "Time Spent" section. I assumed it was your fish room, so I was asking you about the sump I saw in the photo. Sorry.

No reason to be sorry! I just wasn't sure. lol That is actually @revhtree 's fish room and his sump. His is much fancier than mine and I knew he wouldn't mind my using his photo.

 

[mta_morrow]

Instead of horse shoes they play corn hole here are the boards. Four bags full of corn it's a big thing here

I get it! OH IO

 

[Justfbilly]

This is a great article! My wife was never really interested in the hobby until I set up a 45 gallon reef tank in her office and now that is "HER" tank! She supports my interests in the hobby but it is still a struggle when it comes to spending large amounts of money. Trying to explain the benefit and the cost of equipment has always been tough because my wife is very frugal.

I agree with Meredith about setting up a budget. As we are all to aware how easily you can spend $1000.00 during a trip to the LFS and not have very much to show for it. Then its even harder to explain your purchase to your spouse when you get home!

I have found after 28 years of marriage that jewelry doesn't work anymore, travel is the key! I have discovered that if you take them on nice cruise to the Caribbean or to Tahiti or Hawaii every year they become more receptive to spending more money on your hobby. Well at least its been working for me.

 

[harryball69]

My wife just shakes her head anytime she sees something new. dosent ask what it costs anymore. But she also says its beautiful and iam at home with her and not out bar hopping or whatever. It takes time and a cool LFS buddy dont hurt.. lol

 

[Paul B]

I have found after 28 years of marriage that jewelry doesn't work anymore, travel is the key! I have discovered that if you take them on nice cruise to the Caribbean or to Tahiti or Hawaii every year they become more receptive to spending more money on your hobby. Well at least its been working for me.

That is exactly what I do and our last three trips were to the Caribbean, Tahiti and Hawaii. Works like a charm.

Here in Bloody Mary's bar on Bora Bora I was probably thinking about starting up another tank.
I think the Supermodel to my left was writing down types of fish I should add to it.
Of course the Supermodel on my right was so happy, she didn't notice.

 

[don_chuwish]

It was my wife's idea to begin with, I was reluctant due to the cost and the fact that I KNEW I'd be the one actually doing all the work. Except for the reluctance, that's pretty much how it's played out over the years. She's a fan, loves picking things out, but expects me to make it all work. The part in the article about the hubby doing the fish room strikes a chord - one of my favorite parts of the hobby is the system building aspect. The results are almost more a prize than a goal.

 

[Robert Baumer]

Excellent article, Meredith!! Great tips! As a dude, the BIGGEST issue I had to learn was that the equipment and stand had to look really nice and go with the decor of the house. I'm not nearly as picky in this department as my wife is, so (after utter failure on my first tank stand matching anything remotely akin to "decor") I had to re-earn her trust that I would work to make the tank look nice on the outside of the glass just as much I work to make it look nice inside the glass. Since then she has slowly warmed up to the hobby to being moderately interested in the critters in the tank and encouraging me to get the kids more involved. So it really is about finding out what obstacles your loved one has with regard to the hobby and adjusting on those points...demonstrating to your loved one that you value them by valuing what is valuable to them.

Yes, even tonight I was showing my wife some picture on how I want to skin my tank.... this is going to be a real task and I am not sure the flower deal is going to have much impact

 

[Robert Baumer]

Yes, even tonight I was showing my wife some picture on how I want to skin my stand.... this is going to be a real task and I am not sure the flower deal is going to have much impact

Sorry, had to correct that, cannot skin a tank, it would be skin the stand.