Wife Agro

[Kehy]

I'm getting the impression that a lot of people don't actually talk to their partners about things that might be bothering them while they are still small, inconsequential issues. Do you understand what her needs are compared to your wants? Do you understand why she has those needs?

If you do consider her a full partner, there shouldn't be any issue discussing ways [with her] to compromise and reach a place that works for both parties.

 

[anthonymckay]

Be careful, if she's anything like my wife she has absolutely zero interest in fish/aquariums.

A friend of mine was really into motorcycles, his wife wasn't. He tried to get her "into it" too, and eventually she grew to hate motorcycles as a result. He told me "sometimes it's better to have a wife that doesn't have interest in your hobby, than to force her into it and have her end up hating it." He's no longer married. lol

Trying to get her onboard with your hobby could backfire in a spectacular way...

 

[anthonymckay]

Also, I gotta be honest, when I read that you were $65k deep, and then scrolled down and saw that tank... I was a bit surprised. I was expecting to see some insanely huge 400+ gal tank with tons of colorful rare and expensive corals.

How the heck did you get $65k deep with that tank? I have a 200 gallon brand new tank, with all top of the line equipment, all the latest tech and gadgets, etc. I'm not even remotely close to $65k in after 3 different tanks and 12 years in the hobby!

 

[ChrisfromBrick]

shea more annoyed regarding the amount of time I spend watching it and doing water changes/husbandry while I could be helping with the kid.

 

[ChrisfromBrick]

Also, I gotta be honest, when I read that you were $65k deep, and then scrolled down and saw that tank... I was a bit surprised. I was expecting to see some insanely huge 400+ gal tank with tons of colorful rare and expensive corals.

How the heck did you get $65k deep with that tank? I have a 200 gallon brand new tank, with all top of the line equipment, all the latest tech and gadgets, etc. I'm not even remotely close to $65k in after 3 different tanks and 12 years in the hobby!

if that’s a 180 or more with expensive high end coral, over many years, i could see 65k. Though, certainly not up front.

 

[jabberwock]

I "Auto Approve" everything my wife asks for. Then when I want a coral, or a new gun, I don't even ask.

Now, $65k is a lot of money. I smoked $65k worth of cigarettes over 25 years. My first house costed $65k.

 

[Krux]

Maybe OP lives in Canada, isn’t CAD like 12:1 versus USD?

 

[PizzaIan339]

Maybe OP lives in Canada, isn’t CAD like 12:1 versus USD?

Or india That would make a lot more sense With the rupees.

 

[rishma]

To the OP, I cannot help with your situation but your tank looks great. Congrats.

For those who think it sounds like a lot of money, I know that if I added up all the money I have spent over the years I’d immediately quit the hobby and permanently feel terrible about my life choices. It’s best just not to do the math.

 

[ChrisfromBrick]

i eat 65k worth of xanax because of this hobby

 

[Jimbo327]

Unless they keep a meticulous list of running cost spent, whenever someone tells me they spent X dollars on their tank, I automatically triple it and probably closer to the true cost. LOL.

 

[Thalasstronaut]

I don’t know if I would be in this hobby, or any hobby, without my wife’s support.

I’ve been in relationships where the things I was interested in got poo pooed. One of the many things that led to me settling down with my wife is her persistent encouragement; “whatever makes you happy.” And that included reclaiming hobbies that I had abandoned years prior due to less than supportive partners. (Guitars and aquariums, in my case.)

If I was having to justify my interest, it would be a tough sell. I don’t need that kind of discord in my home. Inner sanctuary and all that.

I guess my only advice would me to make sure you are being as supportive and encouraging of her hobbies and interests as you would like her to be of yours. I’m not saying you’re not doing that, but it never hurts to shore up those garden beds.

 

[Griffith]

Here's what I do.

First, don't ever let the wife know how much you have sunk into your little hobby. The math is easy, always drop a zero or divide it by 3...whichever is more believable. You got $6.5k or $22k into that tank, and you are sticking to it.

Second, adjust your nozzles to reduce the spray and salt creep. One reason why I don't rock a rimless. I also keep a towel always nearby.

Third, always run carbon or ozone, that will keep the smell down.

Fourth, if you are doing cleaning, sent her out of the house like a shopping trip to Hobby Lobby or some of her favorite stores. Get a few gift cards to encourage the trip. And you get kudos points as well. Win/win.

Fifth, get a matching cabinet near the tank to store all of your chemicals and tools.

If all else fails, then you gotta do what you gotta do. Find a new wife.

Great call on the ozone! I think keeping the smell under control will have an immediate impact. Hiding the expenses was relatively easy at first, but once it crept past $30,000 and into the $40,000 range, it became much harder to manage.

It seems like a significant portion of the costs comes from the tech side of the tank. For instance, my ReefMat drive unit has failed and locked up with salt buildup at least four times in the past two years. And let’s not even get started on how many times I’ve had to rush over after hearing my wife yell, “The tank is full of bubbles!”—all because the reservoir pump stopped feeding water into the system.

 

[Griffith]

Maybe get her started on her own tank? Sharing the same hobby is very important especially when it cost 65k.

I would but i dont think i could afford it lol

 

[Griffith]

Start her on freshwater
My wife has two tanks now.

Yeah fresh water sounds fun for her. Ill start looking into it.

 

[Jasonak]

Yeah fresh water sounds fun for her. Ill start looking into it.

Yeah she started off with community fish tetras etc and then added some of the more friendly cichlids, severums, kribs she has these Polar Blues that breed and have baby's and she loves that and her electric blue acara just started breeding also no babys yet just laying eggs. She will wander around the fresh water section pick out fish and then come get me and ask me if they are ok in her tank. She really enjoys it.

 

[ChrisfromBrick]

I don’t know if I would be in this hobby, or any hobby, without my wife’s support.

I’ve been in relationships where the things I was interested in got poo pooed. One of the many things that led to me settling down with my wife is her persistent encouragement; “whatever makes you happy.” And that included reclaiming hobbies that I had abandoned years prior due to less than supportive partners. (Guitars and aquariums, in my case.)

If I was having to justify my interest, it would be a tough sell. I don’t need that kind of discord in my home. Inner sanctuary and all that.

I guess my only advice would me to make sure you are being as supportive and encouraging of her hobbies and interests as you would like her to be of yours. I’m not saying you’re not doing that, but it never hurts to shore up those garden beds.

How long you been playing? A few years for me and I still suck.

 

[Thalasstronaut]

How long you been playing? A few years for me and I still suck.

Played from age 12 to 20ish. Sold off all my gear. Got back into it about 5 years ago. I was never anything to write home about, but it’s been fun. Like I said, I don’t know if I would have picked my childhood interests back up without my wife’s encouragement. One, my ex was a total buzzkill about any hobbies at all, and two, I was Mr 2cool4school in my 20’s. Sometimes you gotta age back into being childish. What’s that old Bob Dylan line? “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.”

 

[Griffith]

If it were me I’d focus on the concrete problems in your original post. It doesn’t really sound like she cares much about the financial aspect, and more about the slight inconveniences the tank brings. As aquarists most of us have probably gone nose blind to the majority of the smells, so they’re probably so much worse for her. Tons of bottles of chemicals aren’t very slightly, and salt creep/spray is really bothersome to look at.

Firstly, Find some way to prevent the salt spray, whether that be some form of dehumidifier or other way to block it from exiting the tank in the first place.

Secondly, get some opaque storage cabinets for all your reefing stuff (or store it somewhere out of view), and be better about organizing it so she doesn’t have to look at clutter all the time.

Third, get some sort of air freshener and delploy it after your tank maintenance. I had a lot of the same complaints from my parents when keeping tanks in high school, and the above alleviated those complaints, plus I enjoyed my tanks more as well!!

It’s funny you mention that, because initially, the only complaints were about how quickly the glass would get dirty, making it look unappealing. To address that, I adjusted the light duration to slow down growth. A few months later, she brought up another issue—salt buildup on the edges and in the reservoir—and expressed concern about it potentially affecting nearby electronics (like lamps and other trivial items). To accommodate her, I rearranged things around the tank.

Then, one day, she happened to be home during the tank maintenance and saw the technician using our water filter, as per my instructions. The process is pretty straightforward: the technician drains the tank, performs maintenance on the interior, and refills it using the same water he removed, supplemented with filtered water for the reservoir. Suddenly, she was concerned about water expenses and the filter wearing out.

To resolve that issue, I started buying five or six bottles of water from Publix for the technician to use instead of the filter.

It’s clear that the money complaints didn’t come up until she ran out of other things to criticize.

 

[56longroof]

It’s funny you mention that, because initially, the only complaints were about how quickly the glass would get dirty, making it look unappealing. To address that, I adjusted the light duration to slow down growth. A few months later, she brought up another issue—salt buildup on the edges and in the reservoir—and expressed concern about it potentially affecting nearby electronics (like lamps and other trivial items). To accommodate her, I rearranged things around the tank.

Then, one day, she happened to be home during the tank maintenance and saw the technician using our water filter, as per my instructions. The process is pretty straightforward: the technician drains the tank, performs maintenance on the interior, and refills it using the same water he removed, supplemented with filtered water for the reservoir. Suddenly, she was concerned about water expenses and the filter wearing out.

To resolve that issue, I started buying five or six bottles of water from Publix for the technician to use instead of the filter.

It’s clear that the money complaints didn’t come up until she ran out of other things to criticize.

Your not going to win with her. This is just my opinion looking from the outside in but, every time you pacify one complaint another will surface. It has nothing to do with the tank. It's about control and her getting her way. I have been in these situations before. I can give suggestions on how to deal with it but in the end you'll have to figure it out. I wish you the best of luck.